Help don’t know what to do…
Hi there, My name is Annah and I am 35 years old. I have been divorced for 3 years and have 2 kids, Steve, who is 15, and Nick, 13. Two weeks ago some stuff happenend and since then I feel all weird and mixed up. Luckily I stumbled upon this place for I really don’t feel I can discuss this with any of my friends. So to be short, I caught Steve in bath playing with himself. It was completely weird, I saw him naked before when he was little but this felt different. It just held my attention, I didn’t knew he was so mature and all. So I didn’t tell him I saw him, didn’t wanted to embarass him, but I just kept thinking about it all the time. I don’t know if any this is normal, and I wanted to ask my friends but at the end I decided no to, not to get ridiculed or something. I felt kinda freakish over it because I just couldn’t get the image out my head. Then one morning I passed the boys room and peeked inside to see if they were allready up. They weren’t, and I still don’t know why, I walked over to Steves bed and lifted his covers a lil. I didn’t knew he slept naked, so it wasn’t on purpose but I just saw him, and couldn’t help looking. It felt kinda exciting at the moment but later I felt real bad for I wasn’t supposed to do stuff like this. And since then I really couldn’t help thinking about it all the time, even though I hate it. The days after I had some really unthinkable fantasies, never had anything like this before. Then last sunday I did it again, this time on purpose. I even got up extra early to be sure they were still sleeping, and I completely pulled off Steves covers. Then I did the same to Nick, I even pulled his boxers down to get a better look, though that was an impulse, I didn’t really wanted to. Now I feel real bad for what I did, and I allready went to far to discuss it with anybody. I have always been a proper mom and it feels twisted to have urges like this, I am not supposed to think about my kids privates all the time and still I can’t help it. Anybody else had the same problem? Is there any way to resolve these feelings? I am afraid I might do it again, I could even get caught… I really have no idea anymore what to do or what to think. Thanks in advance, Annah